## 1.作文得分我会给这篇作文 24 分（满分30分）。这篇作文在描述事件过程和情感表达方面做得不错，但有一些细节...,

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## 1.作文得分

我会给这篇作文 24 分（满分30分）。这篇作文在描述事件过程和情感表达方面做得不错，但有一些细节和表达可以改进。

## 2.作文评语

这篇作文通过描述 Emma 参加科学展的经历，展现了她在面对失败后的坚持和努力。文章结构清晰，层次分明，成功地通过描述 Emma 的心理活动和动作，传达了她的紧张、努力和最终的成功喜悦。

## 3.批改结果

- 拼写和语法错误：
- “With time flowing by” 可以改为 “As time went by” 或 “With time passing by”，更加自然。
- “the essay wasn’t the same as the original one” 可以改为 “the essay wasn’t as good as the original one”，表达更清晰。
- “When it was turned to her” 表达不清晰，建议改为 “When she was about to present” 或 “As she began to present”。
- “the sense of excitement written all over her face” 可以改为 “excitement was written all over her face”，删除不必要的冠词。
- “It was her passion on science the the spirit of perseverance that moved the teachers” 建议改为 “It was her passion for science and her spirit of perseverance that moved the teachers”。

## 4. 更多表达

- “exhausted but determined” 可以改为 “Although she was exhausted, she remained determined”，表达更细腻。
- “her heart pounding quickly” 可以改为 “her heart racing”，更加生动。
- “With her hands trembling and the throat tightening” 可以改为 “Her hands were trembling and her throat was tight”，使描述更具体。

## 5. 内容提升

- 结构：文章可以增加一些过渡句，使段落之间的衔接更自然。
- 逻辑：可以更详细地描述 Emma 失败后的心理变化和努力过程，让读者更能感受到她的坚持。
- 内容：可以适当补充一些细节，比如 Emma 在准备过程中的困难和突破，让故事更丰满。

## 6. 范文展示

### 修改后的作文：
Taking a deep breath, Emma decided to start over. As time went by, she remained exhausted but determined to work on the project. She meticulously counted the data, recalled the key points, and tried her best to recreate her conclusion. Eventually, Emma finished her presentation essay before the fair. Although it wasn’t as good as the original one, she felt confident because she knew she had tried her best.

When it was her turn, her heart was racing, and she began to present her project with determination. No sooner had she finished than the audience erupted into thunderous applause.

After the fair, the winners were to be announced. With her hands trembling and her throat tight, sweat began to roll down her face. Would she be the winner? Emma heard her inner voice asking. Then, she heard it clearly: “Congratulations, Emma.” Mr. Reynolds smiled at her, his eyes sparkling with pride, “You have won the first place.” Excitement was written all over her face, and her eyes opened wide in surprise. It was her passion for science and her spirit of perseverance that had moved the teachers.

Reflecting on this impressive science fair experience, Emma realized that what truly mattered was never giving up.

### 总结
这篇作文通过描述 Emma 的坚持和成功，传递了一个积极的主题，但可以通过优化表达和增加细节变得更加生动和流畅。